i just feel the need to write right now. i'm not quite sure what will come of it so if you wanna come back another time, i understand :) you see, i was just processing some stuff with jake about the new women's group in our church that I've been a part of. it's been a huge joy and i love going on Wednesday mornings. here's my thing...
i am a taker.
i'm the 4th of 5 kids in my family. do you know what that means? my big sisters and brother took care of me. always. especially my sisters. my mom and dad were great parents and very much helped me along the way. i'm not a leader by personality. i am shy. quiet. introverted. i am this on the outside. that's what most people see. but. there is a truly out of control, loud(er), ridiculous mere that some people get to know. and i am honestly both. both are true representations of me.
the quiet me is a taker.
it's easier to sit back and let others be in the spotlight. to listen and not contribute. to read blogs instead of write them. to expect others to be prepared instead of preparing. this is the curse of being a younger sibling (in my case). i am in no way making that an excuse. i am just saying that it has contributed to my taking. i am one of the small group leaders of our Wednesday morning group and i did a bad job this time through. i'm not having a pity party or beating myself up. it's just true. i didn't prepare week to week the way a leader should have. sure, i have 3 small, insanely busy and needy children (who i adore with all my being), but there is always something(s), right?
i think i am just wondering what would happen if i stopped taking so much. what if i was truly intentional? what if i planned ahead? what if i took certain things more seriously? what if i gave with all my heart?
yikes. all those things scare me. i feel anxiety in my stomach. by default, i am laid back. i don't plan too much. i am not a control freak. i don't usually put socks on my kids when it's chilly outside (i know, i am working on it. i ran back in the house this morning to get Audrey some-which she took off as soon as we got to church!) i don't worry all that much. i can wing it. i just assume things will be taken care of.
and these can all be good things.
they can also hinder God's work. in huge ways.
deep down in my heart, i want more. i want more responsibility. more entrusted to me. more opportunities to give and serve and lead. but i'm terrified. and i can easily hide behind all my babies and be super busy and exhausted (yes, true).
but what if? what if i gave just a little bit more. and then a little more than that. i wonder what would happen.
love to you.
mer
Whoa. Very deep. Makes me think a lot. I find that as I get more time where the kids are independent, I immediately fill it with things I've wanted to do: PTO, classroom volunteer, getting a new dog, signing the kids up for more activities, coaching soccer...but I'm not getting done all the things that Steve would like to hand off to me, like shopping for new winter clothes (what do they need? What will they need? Where can we get the best price?) or following up on the minivan maintenance that we blew off over the summer, or uploading budget data into our budget program. Stuff I don't *want* to do. I'd rather be busy doing what I want to do so I have an excuse to slack off where I'm not as interested.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, that's what I'm seeing myself doing. Today I tried to do the snow clothes work. I at least did something on it. :) Then we planted tulip bulbs. :)