taker

i just feel the need to write right now. i'm not quite sure what will come of it so if you wanna come back another time, i understand :) you see, i was just processing some stuff with jake about the new women's group in our church that I've been a part of. it's been a huge joy and i love going on Wednesday mornings. here's my thing...

i am a taker.

i'm the 4th of 5 kids in my family. do you know what that means? my big sisters and brother took care of me. always. especially my sisters. my mom and dad were great parents and very much helped me along the way. i'm not a leader by personality. i am shy. quiet. introverted. i am this on the outside. that's what most people see. but. there is a truly out of control, loud(er), ridiculous mere that some people get to know. and i am honestly both. both are true representations of me. 

the quiet me is a taker.

it's easier to sit back and let others be in the spotlight. to listen and not contribute. to read blogs instead of write them. to expect others to be prepared instead of preparing. this is the curse of being a younger sibling (in my case). i am in no way making that an excuse. i am just saying that it has contributed to my taking. i am one of the small group leaders of our Wednesday morning group and i did a bad job this time through. i'm not having a pity party or beating myself up. it's just true. i didn't prepare week to week the way a leader should have. sure, i have 3 small, insanely busy and needy children (who i adore with all my being), but there is always something(s), right?

i think i am just wondering what would happen if i stopped taking so much. what if i was truly intentional? what if i planned ahead? what if i took certain things more seriously? what if i gave with all my heart?

yikes. all those things scare me. i feel anxiety in my stomach. by default, i am laid back. i don't plan too much. i am not a control freak. i don't usually put socks on my kids when it's chilly outside (i know, i am working on it. i ran back in the house this morning to get Audrey some-which she took off as soon as we got to church!) i don't worry all that much. i can wing it. i just assume things will be taken care of.
and these can all be good things.

they can also hinder God's work. in huge ways.

deep down in my heart, i want more. i want more responsibility. more entrusted to me. more opportunities to give and serve and lead. but i'm terrified. and i can easily hide behind all my babies and be super busy and exhausted (yes, true).
but what if? what if i gave just a little bit more. and then a little more than that. i wonder what would happen.

love to you.
mer 

stopping

rejoice in this divine romance.

in a very dark time in my life, the sweet Lord connected with me in the picture of romance with him. of dancing with him. of him being all I need. it was the sweetest time I've ever known. in the middle of some painful things, I was safe. I was held. I was taken care of. he knew me. even if I didn't let most people. it was in this place that I learned to rejoice no matter what. that I learned to completely abandon myself to him. the place where I was truly me. I've never been more alive.

life these days is busy. we say that all the time, huh. my days are packed full every hour just about. at least I pack them full. now with 3 babies 3 and under, yes. my days are full. but I do have time. I know I do. I usually want to zone out and watch tv or sit with jake or just be. that's what babies do to you. i'm learning that I can take a little bit of time to try and connect to this place with my Jesus that I knew so well long ago. it won't look the same. I don't have 2 hours in the middle of the day to completely unplug and be in his presence. but I can turn on some Jesus music and amidst the bustle, I can rest. I can ask his Spirit to somehow let the words others have written to penetrate my heart. even when i'm giving time outs and getting out the "play beans" so they can make a gigantic mess in the kitchen. but it keeps them quite for a while. and I can write this and be in that place for a few moments.

Jesus is so sweet. and he is patient with me. he waits. he wants me. and he waits. when I finally step away and ask for him, he comes. every time. so faithful.

rejoice in this divine romance.

love.
mer

true

here's my heart, Lord.
speak what is true.
here's my life, Lord.
speak what is true.

i am found.
i am yours.
i am loved.
i'm made pure.
i have life.
i can breathe.
i am healed.
i am free.

cause you are strong.
you are sure.
you are life.
you endure.
you are good.
always true.
you are light.
breaking through.
you are more.
you are here.
you are love.
you are hope.
you are grace.
you're all I have.
you're everything.

here's my heart, Lord.
here's my heart, Lord.
here's my heart, Lord.
speak what is true.

speak what is true.

thank you, David Crowder for these words. this is right where I am today. praying and longing for His goodness to consume my sin. His light to consume my darkness. His peace to consume my anxiety. and His hope to consume my lack of. I want truth to speak to me and nothing else. His love is so kind.

if you have a minute, listen to this song, "here's my heart" today. you won't regret it.

much love.
mer