laughter

it's been a peaceful morning here for me. jake took the big kids to school and i've had pandora on with my coffee and bailey gray roaming around. 

she likes to be close to wherever i am. i was sitting in the recliner by the window with the bright sun shining. she crawled up to me and sings along to the music with me. i started to kiss the inside of her neck which made her break into this loud, heartfelt, beautiful, deep laughter. and all i could think was, i don't ever want that sound to end. 

jake and i have had a tough year. some things have been hard because of our choices or decisions, some things have been hard because of others, and some things have been hard because we live in a broken world. the thing that has made my heart the saddest this year was losing our sweet baby last may. it rocked me in many ways. 

in my journey of miscarriage, one of the hardest aspects was "so do we try again for another one?" i absolutely despised even thinking about that. it became a reality for us, though. we needed to decide to "try again" or not. it was so painful. i didn't know the right or better choice, or if there was one. i was talking with my dear friend lara about it and she said, "well, i don't think the Lord wants you to be sad forever, you know?"

and i realized in that moment, that sometimes that's how i view my heavenly Father. i act like he wants me to suffer or be in pain or hold on to heartache. i am not sure where i came to believe that. i surely would never tell someone else God treats them that way, but for me, for me i thought God wanted me to hurt longer. silly me. 

this morning as i sat in our recliner with my lovely 17 month old little girl and i listened to her laughter, all i could think was, "my God LOVES when i laugh." he loves when i am uninhibited and full of life and joy. our God laughs. and he delights in us. and he loves when our mourning turns to joy. 

this truth might seem to conflict with the reality that sometimes there is still pain. i feel like he could have done something to prevent pain and he didn't. sometimes i feel forgotten. if he did love it when we are happy, we wouldn't suffer, right? all i can really say is, there is purpose in the seasons of drought, mourning, suffering. sometimes we see it this side of heaven, and sometimes, the only true healing and joy and laughter will come when his Kingdom reigns. and that is when we have to choose to sing. we choose to trust, to hold onto him. to rest in him because he will comfort. he promised he will. and we wait. and we take the next step. and we let the laughter errupt when it returns. 

i am thankful, humbled, and delighted to say we have a sweet, little rainbow baby growing healthily so far at 15 weeks along. there are still no guarantees we will meet and hold this baby this side of heaven, but for now, it is good news. and my sweet Jesus is happy with us. 
for any mamas or ladies who hear one more pregnancy announcement and want to hit, kick, or scream, i am so sorry. that pain is so real. i am with you. and i hope and pray you have a redemption story soon. his love for you is mighty and so tender. 

today, i am thankful for laughter. and really, just so thankful. 

love to you.
mer