it was thursday

it was thursday morning and finley's last day of preschool for the year. something to know about my boy finley...he's a perfectionist. something i cannot easily relate to, but true nonetheless. that morning, his beloved lego man had a tragic accident and somehow, half of his right hand broke off. he was very upset because his lego man was no longer perfect and that is hard for him to cope with. he started talking quickly about when we would go to target to buy a new one and asking if we could go before school, etc. 

i got down on the floor with him. i started gently explaining that "just because his hand is broken doesn't mean he's no good or that we need a new one". explaining "when things break or aren't how we want them to be, we have to give thanks."
"how can we still be thankful for our lego guy when he's like this?" he was still struggling because it is really hard for him to accept things that aren't how he likes them to be. that i can relate to.

that thursday was day 3 of unusual bleeding during my surprise 4th pregnancy. i was 8 weeks along. the day before, the doctor had told me "everything looks great. you don't have anything to worry about". but i knew things weren't normal, yet i didn't truly have anything to worry about yet. i was a wreck. those 3 days of waiting were agonizing. i wrestled with God as tears were falling telling Him how much i wanted that sweet baby, that i would love and care for it, that i was so thankful for this gift. simultaneously, deep down i knew the baby was already with Him. still, i pleaded. 

i dropped fin at school and my girls at a good friend's house. and i went home and layed down and cried and waited. 

in the early afternoon, my body started aching and cramping and doing what my body knew it had to do. i called jake home from work and he layed with me in the recliner and let me cry. several hours later, our little baby was born. and i felt relief that the waiting and worrying and questioning was over. and i felt so deeply sad and empty. 

being my fourth pregnancy, i had already developed a significant "baby bump". so even though it was early, everybody knew i was pregnant. i couldn't deny or hide it. during those 3 days of waiting, i had wished that wasn't the case and that nobody really knew i was pregnant yet, that it would be easier that way. less messy. less embarrassing. 

now i know, that baby bump was God's merciful grace to me. because all our family and friends knew, they showed up. they brought meals, watched our babies, sent loving texts. they sat in it with us. and i am SURE of this: that was God's merciful grace to me. i can't imagine suffering such a loss alone or in silence. His kindness is so real. 

none of this was my plan. jake and i didn't try for this precious baby, who would have been due christmas day. after learning of this life in me, we wanted him or her to be with us for lots and lots of years. instead, our little baby christmas flew to the Maker and we pray is rejoicing and singing the very loudest of praises. you guys, i am so sad. i think about that baby every single day, multiple times. it is so weird to be heartbroken and at peace. to be angry and at rest. to wish the outcome was different and trusting His wisdom. only He can do this in us. and i give thanks. i look at my 3 healthy babies who are currently throwing clean laundry all over the house, and i give thanks. i thank Him that He uses pain to illuminate Himself. 

how can i rejoice? because this dark situation doesn't change God's identity. He is our hope and stay. the only constant. because of this, i rejoice. and i also wait in anticipation for the day i get to meet my son or daughter on the other side. 
also, by listening to this song on repeat. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnNsVYCPbK8

oh, and i did go to target and get my boy a new lego man. sometimes i just want to bless my kid. 

love to you.
mer