the gritty stuff

some real life going on around here.

bailey gray has been sick since tuesday. she's had really high fevers since thursday. activities and plans get cancelled. we stay in jammies. hair doesn't get done. not sure how meals get prepared. and the house is no where near clean. thankfully, i think she's on the mend. 

last thursday, finley was at school and bails was down for a "nap". i turned daniel tiger on for audrey. i went in my room to try and retreat and get some alone time with the Lord while i could. i knew my attitude needed it. sick babies have a way of making their mama's heart hurt. i was reading proverbs about keeping loving-kindness and faithfulness bound around your neck. i heard her footsteps. and i was annoyed. audrey comes in and asks to climb on the bed with me. i really wanted to be alone, though, Lord. remember? i lifted her up and told her to stay quiet cause mama was reading. she asked to color in my journal. but it's MY journal. it's my life with you, Lord. remember? 

and then something happened. i realized it won't be much longer that my baby will want to crawl on my bed and be with me. she won't always color in my journal. my journal that represents this season of my life. the one where my feet stumble on legos and hair bows and squeaky toys. the one where i am dressed in real clothes much less than not. the one that smells like syrup and dirt. the one where i am journaling prayers about being a mama and so desperately wanting to do it well. how silly that i felt annoyed. what will be sweeter in 20 years than looking at this journal and seeing my 2 year old audrey's doodles? not much, i realized. and i breathed deep and i embraced, rather than fought, this season of mine. i know it goes so fast. all those seasoned mamas say that. and now some pages are filled with her art and i pray, again and again, that my mind and heart will remember that those moments ARE THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE THING. relationship.

i was washed with grace in that moment. He knew just what i needed. i thought i needed to be alone. i thought i needed a break. really, i needed my little girl to come be with me for her sake and mine. how kind God is to teach me and lead me in gentle ways. even when i feel like i need a gigantic billboard just telling me what to do because i hardly ever know.

it is not always like this, of course. sometimes you go to target on saturday with all 3 kids and literally feel like you are going to fall down dead because of the anxiety due to a mix of circumstances. you are sure you, or one of the 3, will not make it out alive. one child is yelling the whole time. the popcorn treat you got at the beginning is, literally, trailing you all over the store (sorry target). the baby's fever is rising. you really should leave the cart and walk out, but you already opened the baby's snack and you probably should pay for it. and then the two potty trained kids HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW. so you keep walking and don't make direct eye contact. and then you text your husband tell him you are definitely ordering pizza for dinner. 
oh the graces. 

hope all is well in your world. tell me something. 

love to you.
mer

    

when i didn't blog for 3 months

well you guys, it happened. 

snow-crazy-blizzard-life has hit the carolinas. i've seen it hit texas. illinois. oregon. and sat in my snow free home happily. no longer. there is full blown snow/sleet/freezing liquid happening in mass quantities. 
you see, my friend Lara was telling me why EVERYONE down here FREAKS out about this kind of weather. the freezing liquid builds up on power lines and PULLS THEM DOWN and tons of people lose power for long amounts of time. in the blizzard. good times. 

don't worry, mom, we are with power for now. 

in other greer news, it's only been 3 months since i last blogged...not sure how that happened. we had thanksgiving. christmas. a trip to sweden. the usual. 

sweden. 

we went to visit our oldest, dearest, couple friends Jonathan and Trista Miller. they have lived in sweden for 4 years. they work at a Bible school there and are doing awesome work for the Lord. we had the.best.time. jake's mom came down from illinois to stay with our big kids at our house. my previously mentioned good friend, Lara, volunteered to keep bailey gray here at her house. oh.my.sweet.service. our sister in law, joy, and sweet friend, alyssa helped out tremendously too. it was amazing going kid free. getting to just be a wife for 2 weeks. loving on our friends. sleeping in. staying up late. reading books in the middle of the day. all luxuries in the life of parents with little ones. it was so refreshing and encouraging and FUN. we loved it. and we were so ready to get home to our babies and kiss and snuggle them for days. best of both worlds. 

we also got to see jake's sister, jenny, who we love so incredibly much, for a couple days at the end of the trip. jake traveled to Copenhagen and Prague, where jenny lives, and then they met us in Stockholm. 

other than that, we've just been in the daily grind around here. fin is still loving school. poor kid is missing his valentine party today. maybe we will make some heart cookies or something. audrey is her funny self. she's an awesome helper. loves her baby sister and is a very good talker. she's also becoming quite the singer. bailey gray is NINE months old now. she's "crawling"... ya know, when babies drag themselves along the floor as if the bottom half of their legs aren't there. she's mostly sleeping through the night and is overall much more content and happy then she used to be. she is, for real, such a joy to us. she has such a sweet spirit and is a major cuddler. and she can be stubbbborn! hopefully that quality is used for good in this world :) 

church life is good! we've had exciting things happening in student impact and i'm still loving being a small group leader for the high school girls. they are precious to me. we are doing the "one thousand gifts" study in women's group on wednesday mornings and it is such good stuff. 

we are happy. healthy. enjoying life. and enduring the crying and fits and discipline and "listen and obey mama" moments. which happen all.day.long. we are curious about our future and don't really know where God is gonna take us, but for now, we are seeking to be faithful today. some days we are better at that then others. 

gonna wrap it up now. jake's outside in a t-shirt figuring out how good of a snow man we can build. and asking, "i just wanna know if i can drive in this!" always up for a challenge, that guy. 

don't worry, mom, he won't be going anywhere.

love to you.

mer 

currently...

it's been too long since I've done a kid update on here, so here we go.

currently...

FINLEY:

• is loving preschool! the two days a week schedule works out great for everybody right now. he has learned the "elbow cough" which is a good way of not spreading germs and Audrey has caught onto it, so that's nice. he makes pictures or crafts everyday. eats his whole lunch. plays hard on the playground. and ms. Ingrid says he always has good days, is a good helper, and is very well behaved (phew!) lol!
• is FOUR years old. and very much not a baby anymore. all the things that kept him a toddler are totally done now. his speech and talking has matured a lot and he just "gets" things now.
• loves curious George
• doesn't nap
• still loves all things construction related. he actually got to ride on a skid loader at the homestead with daddy, who rented one for some projects. that was a cool day!
• is bailey's bff. for real. he loves her. she loves him. if she's fussing, he almost always takes the initiative to walk over and talk to her and make her happy. it works. happy momma here.
• wears size 5 clothing.
• has a tender heart and likes to know the rules.
• is sometimes a follower when he's around bigger kids.
• is awesome.

getting his birthday gift from meema and gpa steve on skype!

AUDREY:

• is 2 1/2
• is very familiar with the time out corner, ha!
• gives the best kisses and hugs
• LOVES her daddy
• sings entire songs all by herself
• still loves baby dolls and is always carrying one around
• cheers her bubby on when he does something good. "yahoo! yay! good jowb, finney!"
• is potty trained (!) without much effort on my part. gotta be my reward for the torture that was potty training finley, hahahaha!
• talks.all.the.time :) (I did ask God for a talkative daughter)
• her favorite song is "no more monkeys jumpin on da bed!"
• is very funny and animated. and bossy. don't know where that came from. do YOU, aunt Katie?!?!?!
• is such joy and light to jake and me

BAILEY

• "oh, bails"
• (we say this at least once a day) :)
• will be 6 months old on Saturday! SAY WHAT NOW?!?!
• eats some solid food before bed. i'll gradually increase this.
• she only woke up once last night from 6:30pm-7am! thank you, solid food.
• so she is not sleeping through the night yet, lol
• can be distracted by toys...such a blessing to be in this stage. but don't think about crawling anytime soon!
• is a big, chunky, wonderful chub of love!
• we all adore our bails. even in the tough days, which we still have.
• and she has these unique, sparkly eyes.

so there you have it. jake and I are doing great! October was out of control busy for us and the wedding venue, so we are now entering the quiet season until about feb/march. we are all so ready for this. there is a lot to look forward to coming up. thanksgiving at a lake house with my mom and steve, Katie, liz and danny! YAY for grandparents and aunts and an uncle. I plan on only nursing bailey, and letting them do everything else! hahaha! but for real :)
Christmas in Illinois this year with jake's family. all great things.

 a typical afternoon outside

 fin's bday party!

 pumpkin patch...they were all actually happy, lol!

 THAT THIGH.

 halloween with cousins!

daddy and his youngest (he's so hott)

thanks for checking in! hope all is well in your world.

love to you.

mer

taker

i just feel the need to write right now. i'm not quite sure what will come of it so if you wanna come back another time, i understand :) you see, i was just processing some stuff with jake about the new women's group in our church that I've been a part of. it's been a huge joy and i love going on Wednesday mornings. here's my thing...

i am a taker.

i'm the 4th of 5 kids in my family. do you know what that means? my big sisters and brother took care of me. always. especially my sisters. my mom and dad were great parents and very much helped me along the way. i'm not a leader by personality. i am shy. quiet. introverted. i am this on the outside. that's what most people see. but. there is a truly out of control, loud(er), ridiculous mere that some people get to know. and i am honestly both. both are true representations of me. 

the quiet me is a taker.

it's easier to sit back and let others be in the spotlight. to listen and not contribute. to read blogs instead of write them. to expect others to be prepared instead of preparing. this is the curse of being a younger sibling (in my case). i am in no way making that an excuse. i am just saying that it has contributed to my taking. i am one of the small group leaders of our Wednesday morning group and i did a bad job this time through. i'm not having a pity party or beating myself up. it's just true. i didn't prepare week to week the way a leader should have. sure, i have 3 small, insanely busy and needy children (who i adore with all my being), but there is always something(s), right?

i think i am just wondering what would happen if i stopped taking so much. what if i was truly intentional? what if i planned ahead? what if i took certain things more seriously? what if i gave with all my heart?

yikes. all those things scare me. i feel anxiety in my stomach. by default, i am laid back. i don't plan too much. i am not a control freak. i don't usually put socks on my kids when it's chilly outside (i know, i am working on it. i ran back in the house this morning to get Audrey some-which she took off as soon as we got to church!) i don't worry all that much. i can wing it. i just assume things will be taken care of.
and these can all be good things.

they can also hinder God's work. in huge ways.

deep down in my heart, i want more. i want more responsibility. more entrusted to me. more opportunities to give and serve and lead. but i'm terrified. and i can easily hide behind all my babies and be super busy and exhausted (yes, true).
but what if? what if i gave just a little bit more. and then a little more than that. i wonder what would happen.

love to you.
mer 

stopping

rejoice in this divine romance.

in a very dark time in my life, the sweet Lord connected with me in the picture of romance with him. of dancing with him. of him being all I need. it was the sweetest time I've ever known. in the middle of some painful things, I was safe. I was held. I was taken care of. he knew me. even if I didn't let most people. it was in this place that I learned to rejoice no matter what. that I learned to completely abandon myself to him. the place where I was truly me. I've never been more alive.

life these days is busy. we say that all the time, huh. my days are packed full every hour just about. at least I pack them full. now with 3 babies 3 and under, yes. my days are full. but I do have time. I know I do. I usually want to zone out and watch tv or sit with jake or just be. that's what babies do to you. i'm learning that I can take a little bit of time to try and connect to this place with my Jesus that I knew so well long ago. it won't look the same. I don't have 2 hours in the middle of the day to completely unplug and be in his presence. but I can turn on some Jesus music and amidst the bustle, I can rest. I can ask his Spirit to somehow let the words others have written to penetrate my heart. even when i'm giving time outs and getting out the "play beans" so they can make a gigantic mess in the kitchen. but it keeps them quite for a while. and I can write this and be in that place for a few moments.

Jesus is so sweet. and he is patient with me. he waits. he wants me. and he waits. when I finally step away and ask for him, he comes. every time. so faithful.

rejoice in this divine romance.

love.
mer

true

here's my heart, Lord.
speak what is true.
here's my life, Lord.
speak what is true.

i am found.
i am yours.
i am loved.
i'm made pure.
i have life.
i can breathe.
i am healed.
i am free.

cause you are strong.
you are sure.
you are life.
you endure.
you are good.
always true.
you are light.
breaking through.
you are more.
you are here.
you are love.
you are hope.
you are grace.
you're all I have.
you're everything.

here's my heart, Lord.
here's my heart, Lord.
here's my heart, Lord.
speak what is true.

speak what is true.

thank you, David Crowder for these words. this is right where I am today. praying and longing for His goodness to consume my sin. His light to consume my darkness. His peace to consume my anxiety. and His hope to consume my lack of. I want truth to speak to me and nothing else. His love is so kind.

if you have a minute, listen to this song, "here's my heart" today. you won't regret it.

much love.
mer

well, hello

hi there. my, the stretches between blogs seems to keep growing. life is flying by. yesterday was my beloved's birthday. it was a warm, loving, grace filled day celebrating my jake. good friends and family showed lots of love and it meant a lot to him. I can't believe we are in the second half of September already. I don't mind it too much because all the best times of year are coming up. to look back though, we had quite the summer. almost all of our family on both sides made a huge trip to come visit us and meet the newbie, bailey. and our dear friends the Eisenzimmers came all the way from Portland, too. that is love. to be honest, life right after bailey gray was born was rough. painful. sleepless. stressful. hard. and if you came to visit us in the midst of that, you BLESSED us. more than you will ever know. from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

this fall is different for us. my big, almost 4 year old, finley, is in preschool twice a week. can I get an amen?!? ha! it truly is good for ALL of us :) he is loving it. his teacher says he is doing great and I get some much needed one on one time with audrey. it is such a treasure taking only 2 kids to the grocery store! and I have time to just sit on the living room floor while Audrey draws or reads to me with no interruptions. till bailey wakes up that is, but it is sweet time. 

our church started the first ever womens morning/bible study group and I LOVE it. it's so wonderful and refreshing getting to know the ladies of ridge church.

little bailey is our little song bird. she literally sings. very early in the morning most days and in the car. I will get a video of it, because it is so funny. jake started calling her song bird and it just might stick. she had a rough first few months, but for the most part now, she is a delight! we love our bails.

being in the season of discipline (hopefully Godly, consistent, grace filled discipline) of two babes under 4 is exhausting. completely and utterly exhausting. and i need Him.  

like i said, i can't believe it's mid September. and that my newborn is over 4 months old. and that finley is almost 4. and that Audrey is in the "big girl" class at church now. my babies and me are all learning and growing. a lot of days are long and difficult. mothering is so.so.so.hard. and amazing. God has been very gracious through His people and just in Himself this year. all i know is, Lord willing, tomorrow i will get up, early, and drink my iced coffee and somehow get all the kids fed and dressed and get ourselves in the car to get to women's group. hopefully tomorrow, i will think of the Lord and be present, intentional, awake. often i fumble through my days with 3 young kids and just try to survive till bedtime. i know these days of young babies will pass so fast and i'm trying to soak it up. i will also soak up spit up, sticky syrup spotted tables, spilled morning coffee all over the table, floor, and iphone (it survived, thankfully) and poop. lots of poop. and it couldn't be a better life. i just don't want it to pass me by.

love to you.
mer