some real life going on around here.
bailey gray has been sick since tuesday. she's had really high fevers since thursday. activities and plans get cancelled. we stay in jammies. hair doesn't get done. not sure how meals get prepared. and the house is no where near clean. thankfully, i think she's on the mend.
last thursday, finley was at school and bails was down for a "nap". i turned daniel tiger on for audrey. i went in my room to try and retreat and get some alone time with the Lord while i could. i knew my attitude needed it. sick babies have a way of making their mama's heart hurt. i was reading proverbs about keeping loving-kindness and faithfulness bound around your neck. i heard her footsteps. and i was annoyed. audrey comes in and asks to climb on the bed with me. i really wanted to be alone, though, Lord. remember? i lifted her up and told her to stay quiet cause mama was reading. she asked to color in my journal. but it's MY journal. it's my life with you, Lord. remember?
and then something happened. i realized it won't be much longer that my baby will want to crawl on my bed and be with me. she won't always color in my journal. my journal that represents this season of my life. the one where my feet stumble on legos and hair bows and squeaky toys. the one where i am dressed in real clothes much less than not. the one that smells like syrup and dirt. the one where i am journaling prayers about being a mama and so desperately wanting to do it well. how silly that i felt annoyed. what will be sweeter in 20 years than looking at this journal and seeing my 2 year old audrey's doodles? not much, i realized. and i breathed deep and i embraced, rather than fought, this season of mine. i know it goes so fast. all those seasoned mamas say that. and now some pages are filled with her art and i pray, again and again, that my mind and heart will remember that those moments ARE THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE THING. relationship.
i was washed with grace in that moment. He knew just what i needed. i thought i needed to be alone. i thought i needed a break. really, i needed my little girl to come be with me for her sake and mine. how kind God is to teach me and lead me in gentle ways. even when i feel like i need a gigantic billboard just telling me what to do because i hardly ever know.
it is not always like this, of course. sometimes you go to target on saturday with all 3 kids and literally feel like you are going to fall down dead because of the anxiety due to a mix of circumstances. you are sure you, or one of the 3, will not make it out alive. one child is yelling the whole time. the popcorn treat you got at the beginning is, literally, trailing you all over the store (sorry target). the baby's fever is rising. you really should leave the cart and walk out, but you already opened the baby's snack and you probably should pay for it. and then the two potty trained kids HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW. so you keep walking and don't make direct eye contact. and then you text your husband tell him you are definitely ordering pizza for dinner.
oh the graces.
hope all is well in your world. tell me something.
love to you.
mer
